The Affiliate Guide to Happiness
Online shopping - a foolproof method for serotonin production!
Whenever I’d go a few weeks without posting anything on Xanga, I’d always feel the need to include an apology in the lede of my comeback blog.
“Sorry it’s been a while,” I’d type. “I’ve been rly busy with track/tennis/skipping school to once again rent Kevin Costner’s magnum opus, ‘Waterworld’ with my friends/sneaking back into my house after my parents left for work to make popcorn and watch it! You know how it goes lol. But I’m back and I promise I’ll NEVER leave you again!!!”
I’m sure the 15 other teenagers who occasionally read my blog didn’t need excuses from me — they had lives. AIM screen names to claim, Salad Fingers videos to traumatize their younger siblings with, Hot Topics to shoplift from. No one was paying much attention to the frequency of the posts over on (sadly this is not a joke) xanga.com/XOXcarolinessupercoolXOX. But I still felt guilty, because I was letting down the one person who actually read my blogs religiously: myself.
19 years later, I am once again staring down a three-week break in my new lil writing project, feeling the need to justify my absence to people who absolutely do not care. But — I AM sorry I’ve been gone! I HAVE been rly busy with work/nonstop summer weddings/drinking in a variety of rooftop pools/throwing theme parties/going on extravagant dates in other cities/getting COVID at the Beyoncé concert. You know how it goes lol. But I’m back and I promise* I’ll NEVER* leave you again!!!
*That’s not true, but you’ve got me today!!!
The truth is that this summer has been so lovely. I’ve been traveling, spending time with friends and family, eating beautifully presented food on patios, hanging out with my cats in bed and doing a lot of walking around outside while listening to music. I hate to admit it, but I’m like, genuinely happy?? For the first time in years, I’m not feeling the crushing weight of all the ways I’m failing myself. I’m not frozen or afraid of the future. Things seem possible again.
For whatever reason, it can be easier for me to muster up the intention to write when I’m feeling nostalgic or angsty. But that’s stupid, because I should be able to write about being happy too, even if I’m cringing at the prospect!! In fact, as a former affiliate marketer, I’m willing to take it one step further — not only am I gonna write about being happy, but in this, my triumphant comeback blog, I’m also gonna recommend the things I’m buying, reading, watching and doing that are helping to keep me this way.
While I will be linking to most of the things I recommend, please note these aren’t actually affiliate links. That’s not because I’m above selling out — I am a PR girl with a master’s degree in journalism, selling out is my literal job. It’s because I am too lazy to go though the process of setting up an affiliate program for this purpose. Whatever the reason, this means you can rest assured I actually like this shit, I’m not just linking it in the hopes of a three cent commission check.
While you can’t expect this to be a regular series from me — the co-host of a horror podcast affectionately nicknamed “the jump scare of podcasts” for our inability to stick to a normal schedule — I doubt this will be the only installment in this series.
For now, behold:
Rx Corner
Zoloft
This one goes out to all my anxiety-ridden panic disorder girlies!!! Contrary to popular belief, there was actually no good reason for me to be living my life under a cloud of fear that everyone I love was about to suddenly die. I had regular panic and anxiety attacks for decades, and would still vehemently reject every doctor who suggested I might want to consider trying SSRIs. I’d Googled the potential side effects and convinced myself that taking Zoloft for anxiety would make me suicidal. IS THAT SOMETHING AN ANXIOUS PERSON WOULD DO?!?!?
Last summer I was complaining to a friend about how hard it was for me to get my Xanax refilled without being bullied into SSRIs when she gently said, “Caroline, are you aware that you’re currently in an anxious spiral about not wanting to take anxiety medication?” And I was like, oh fuck. You’re right.
Turns out, the anxiety I was living with wasn’t actually normal?? Most people don’t think their loved ones are dead when they don’t get a text back immediately?? That would have sounded fake to me eight months ago when I started Zoloft, but in a crushing blow to my pride, it’s true. I haven’t had a single panic attack since January (!!!), which is especially impressive given that I — 1) used to have multiple panic attacks a month and 2) went through a Giant Breakup this spring that I can only imagine would have crippled me sans meds. Suffice to say, if every doctor you go to is kindly suggesting the same for you, why not give it a try??
Tretinoin
In my teens and early-mid 20s, I was one of those obnoxious people who washed her face with hand soap and never broke out. That has CHANGED!!! In my early 30s, my lax attitude about skincare came back to haunt me and I began to break out with wild abandon. While this new development did force me to finally buy some nice foundation, learn how to contour my face and start figuring out a skincare routine, all of this only helped a little.
What actually helped? Getting on a prescription retinoid. It was rough going in the beginning, as I have extremely dry skin and started using tretinoin in the winter. I was flaky as hell for a few months. But six months in and my skin is significantly improved. Tret also works to smooth fine lines, brighten dark spots and reverse sun damage — not in a miracle product kind of way way but in an actually medically tested/proven kind of way.
If you’re lazy and don’t like going to the doctor, you can get this through a website called Nurx like I did. Otherwise you can make an appointment with a dermatologist and get it prescribed the old-fashioned way — which is probably cheaper. I am lazy so I get it delivered to my house. My skin texture has noticeably improved and while I still get minor breakouts on my chin occasionally, I haven’t worn a full face of foundation in months. Nature is healing!
Shopping Corner
Skims dupes
Listen, we love our problematic queen Kimmy but there’s no reason to give her any more of your money. Word on the street (my TikTok FYP) is that you can find plenty of identical shirts and bodysuits on Amazon for half the price Miss Kardashian is charging for hers. As the owner of several legit Skims products, I have to concur. I ordered the below bodysuit and shirt in a few colors and the material is identical to my Skims branded stuff:
PUMIEY Women’s Mock Turtle Neck Sleeveless Bodysuit - $25.99 on Amazon
PUMIEY Women’s Scoop Neck Short Sleeve Tee - $23.99 on Amazon
I also really like this crop tee that even those of us blessed/cursed with giant boobs can wear without a bra:
REORIA Short Sleeve Double Lined Crop Tee - $23.99 on Amazon
The perfect vintage sunglasses + a square iPhone case
How cute are these sunnies??? I already had to order a second pair because I left the first in an Uber on my way to the airport. But they’re only $15! So whatever!
Fozono Retro Vintage Cat Eye Sunglasses - $14.99 on Amazon
Also, I have a few square iPhone cases like the ones in these last two pics and I get compliments any time I use them. They’re surprisingly protective, and I guess sometimes it’s fun to confuse people into thinking you have an Android.
Cocomii Square iPhone Case - $21.99 on Amazon
Aerosoles sandal heels
When I tell you I have walked probably 80 miles in these shoes!?!? They are the comfiest and most versatile heels I have ever owned. I got them on sale at Nordstrom Rack back in April for like $30, so don’t feel like you need to buy them at full price cuz I guarantee you can find a deal if you go looking for it. I would do it for you but as a former affiliate marketer I’ve done enough.
Women’s Sandal in Black Leather - $135 at Aerosoles
TA3 Corset Swimsuits
I genuinely hate recommending a $180 bathing suit but I fell victim to an Instagram ad, got the suit, then immediately ordered a second one because I loved it so much. I justified these purchases because these suits give me the waist of a Victorian girl who is dying of tuberculosis, and because I can wear them as bodysuits or swimsuits interchangeably. Am I PROUD of spending almost $400 on two swimsuits? No. But I did it, and those of you who have made it this far into this chaotic shopping article deserve to know why.
Hi Cut Squarey (right pic) - $178 at TA3
Hi Cut Plungey (left pic) - $178 at TA3
The comfiest flare leggings
No like, I have these in every color. They are so soft and so breathable and trendy enough to wear to both bed AND brunch. 10/10.
TOPYOGAS V-Crossover Yoga Pants - $22.99 on Amazon
The Saalt menstrual disk
I wrote an article for HuffPost a couple years ago about my deep allegiance to the Saalt period cup, and I stand by every word to this day. Once you figure them out, period cups are so much easier, more convenient and less wasteful than tampons/pads, and despite the skepticism of the doctors I interviewed for that article, I still believe they somehow minimize cramps. That said, as is the case with pads/tampons, you can’t really have sex while you’re using a period cup. But you CAN have sex while using the Saalt DISK (pictured above).
I’ll be honest — this was tricky to get out when I first tried it (I was pushing it too far back), but I’ve figured it out since and it WORKS YOU GUYS. Not only can you leave it in for the whole workday without leaks, but you can also get busy for hours and not a drop of blood will be found on your white sheets or light pink couch when you’re done. Not that I would know!
Saalt Menstrual Disc - $32.99 on Amazon
Entertainment Corner
OK this is long enough. Let’s top it off with quick roundup of stuff I’ve been paying attention to this summer, as a treat!!!
Reentering the Hunger Games universe — Once every few years I decide to rewatch and reread all the Hunger Games books and movies. This year it was pressing because ‘The Ballad of Songbirds and Snakes’ is coming out in November and I wanted everything fresh in my mind when I see it. Let me just say, this series GOES HARD. The movies are perfect cast and the perfect compliment to the books. I’m finding myself becoming a Peeta head when, in the past, I was fully Team Gale!? Maturity is consuming old YA content and having a different reaction to it in your 30s than you did in your early 20s. GROWTH!
Foundation (Apple TV) — I don’t know who out there besides me is ever looking for a new prestige genre show, but on the off chance you love serious, high-budget and high-brow sci-fi, WATCH FOUNDATION! This show has everything: Lee Pace being hot as fuck, imperial clones, violence, a huge universe with thousands of planets, cryogenic pods, questions about the nature of reality and consciousness, a 1,000-year arc and an incredible cast. It’s my favorite sci-fi show since ‘The Expanse,’ and that’s like my favorite sci-fi show of all time. I love it so much!!
Brian Jordan Alvarez’s “Your Rich Aunt” and “Hot Foreign Guy” personas — I honestly don’t have the energy to explain, just click the links above and know I have formed a deep parasocial relationship with both of these people, neither of whom actually exist. I’ve loved Brian Jordan Alvarez since The Gay and Wondrous Life of Caleb Gallo and I just realized he was the garden gay in that “gay men will marry your girlfriends” college humor video from 2012. I wish him nothing but peace and total happiness in all his endeavors.
The aliens being real and all — I’m so tired, dude.
Before I go, here’s a THREE HOUR playlist of songs I’ve been listening to as I take my daily post-work 5-mile walk in the 95-degree heat.
Until next time, my Classically Online bbs, H(ave)AG(reat)S(ummer)!!!!
Nothing but bangers from start to finish!
Bhh